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  • I am basically going to just blog about friends and family members involved in the music industry and writing industy. If you want to read blogs about myself see my LiveJournal or my MySpace.

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  • Another Except from Bright Mountain

    2007-09-07 10:32AM / 標準BLOG / 會員可以看
    6個評論

    This time by request of JRS.  This is from the very start of the noval.

    The grass sways softly as the breeze caresses its long tendril stalks. The couple lay in the grass letting the air and the sweet smell of summer envelop and protect them.

     

    She rests her head on his chest and listens to his heat beat, his breath labored. She takes her hand and reaches out for his damp cheek and touches it gently with her finger tips as she did when looking at the porcelain statues her mother had left her.

     

    He lay on his back, one are wrapped around her. She feels so small in his arms but he knows that her light frame which always reminded him of the sparrows playing by the fence was just the shell of a much stronger creature. He lifts his head slightly and takes a deliberate breath, drinking in her scent, a mix of cinnamon, wild flowers and talc. He slowly takes her hand as it explores his face and holds it tightly. The sun seems to be going down early today.

     

    She holds her breath trying to ear his heart beat. He squeezes her hand then relaxes his grip. “Please,” she says in a whisper “take me with you”.

     

    A sudden gust of wind disturbs the gentle sway of the grass and then the air is still. She closes her eyes tightly, pushing her tears out and letting them fall on his chest.

     

BLOG評論 (6)

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  • MarkAllen
    藝術家空間 Mark Allen
    留言於2007-10-04 1:19PM [举报]
    You misspelled "hear" - how's that?  :)  

    Okay - here's a thought.  You are using the same sentence structure in a lot of the sentences.  He does this.  She does that.  This thing does something.  To great less monotony in the rhythm you might break that up more often.  

    There is a Daneille Steele-esque breathy quality to the writing.  She's a hugely successful writer, so maybe that's good.  But to an outsider it might feel a little bit like holding your breath.  I'm not sure where it's heading though.    This is where personal preference comes in.  That's totally systlistic and some people would eat it up.
  • MarkAllen
    藝術家空間 Mark Allen
    留言於2007-10-04 12:15PM [举报]
    Hey Aussielung - you asked me to take a read.  I can't really provide any constructives since I'm not really a novelist or even familiar with that style of writing.  I know it may sound odd, but I think there is a whole art to writing that way and while I obsess over story - I'm not so much a novel-style expert.   Seems like people are responding well - so keep at it!
  • aussielung
    aussielung
    留言於2007-09-12 5:08PM
    Thanks guys. I'm glad your enjoying what I have posted so far. This is going to be a 100,00 long book and hope that it will be finished by christmas. I want to get as many Beta readers as I can to tell me what doesn't work with it once it's edited around Feb/March next year.
  • Seeker-09
    Seeker-09
    留言於2007-09-12 12:31PM [举报]
    It's gettin good Aussie, it's getting good. You have a talent for description, including the feelingsbetween two peopel. I will definitely be back to read more. :)
  • Flagday
    Flagday
    留言於2007-09-12 3:01AM [举报]
    How much have you written so far?  You have a vivid imagination.  I have none.
  • JRS
    JRS
    留言於2007-09-09 4:44PM [举报]
    OMGoodness....this is more addictive than anything I can think of!

    Good stuff.....moremoremoremoremore!!!

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aussielung 邀請你瀏覽他/她的空間。趕緊註冊，創建你自己的空間，跟好友及喜愛的電影工作者、音樂家及其他藝術家交流。