new year

this morning i woke up dreaming of being cast as Ariel for some Disney princesses production. it was a stress moment, i was late to rehersal, shaky on lines and was having trouble getting the tail/flipper on. a big deal too, if i did well on this play, i had a good chance at getting the Snow White role in the following months.

[breathes out]

after waking and realizing that i wasn't a mermaid, i did the daily morning routine of checking work email, facebook, and gmail on the bb while still in bed. then i did the other half of the morning routine which entailed laying back down with my eyes closed for awhile. couldn't fall back asleep this time.

i feel like my breaths are slower this morning.

this past year, this coming year, the future in general seems full of events. people coming, people going, people getting married, people getting pregnant, people switching jobs, people going. as i was making my list of events in my written journal the other night, i was quite shocked at how long it was. it's quite a bit to take in and reflect on. each one of those events really is enough to warrant pages and pages of happy and sad memories. sometimes i wish i was less emotional and cared about personal relationships less, it'd make life so much easier. but then i'm reminded of a sermon pastor dave had recently where he talked about how you have to be willing to go through lots of heartache if you want to really know what it means to love another. i think it's a true statement, for me at least. the days go by so quickly when on vacation, it's kind of wonderful in some ways.

i'm thinking about the word "progress" and how people think of it differently. is it the creation of something new... the clearing of barriers... the wisdom that comes through trials? guess all of the above. i think it's kind of neat how humans are capable of experiencing so much feeling. the burning sensation when you're angry, the pit in your stomach when you feel alone, the shaking of the nerves when you're nervous, life's a big playground. my goodness, i sigh when i think of all the emotions that will come out next year. people leaving for business school, people moving to other continents, conrad going to college, everyone re-thinking their career choices, new countries to explore, new people to connect with, i wish i could stay under my blanket and hit the pause button. well, with a bit of rewind.

there's a long hot pink dress hanging on my closet. i keep staring at it because it's next to some pictures and because i think the color is so pretty. i hope i can wear it somewhere someday.

i went to LA this past weekend to visit old friends. incredibly efficient actually, jam-packed catching up sessions and days where schedules were 100% devoted to just hanging out. it's a different feeling when there isn't a set time you have to stop, whether it's so you can be at some other appointment or be rested enough to be functional at work. i love college and suppose i miss it more often than I realized. it's pretty awesome to be always surrounded by friends and not have to think so much about yourself. i feel quite lucky to be living at home, feels so full of love always. hi mom.

i don't have the attention span for fiction so non-fiction's always been my preference. i'm actually scared to read too much. i fear i'll get lost in it.

a few people have asked me what my new year's resolution is. i'm not sure yet. an actual task seems less interesting to me right now although i haven't actually finished writing a song from last year. that would be nice. i have zero desire to sing at the moment, i haven't heard a song in my head all morning. one started and i blocked it out to focus. it's hard to make actual meaningful resolutions when you aren't too sure of what you want. i guess exercising more is easy to default on although i find it so difficult. mostly because the benefits of it seem so far away and are really just for yourself, the half hour feels better spent doing something else. one resolution i did think of was to be better about daily devotionals. dad got me a new book for christmas that should help, i read two this morning to make up for last night, and already i'm hopeful it will give me new perspectives and little nuggets of wisdom in 2009.

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i wish all my friends a fruitful new year. may you find purpose and joy in many, many things.