"A beggar walked up to me in the street and said, 'I haven't had food in so long I've forgotten what it tastes like.' I said, 'don't worry, it still tastes the same.'"
"Why did Jesus cross the road? Because he was nailed to the chicken."
"I'm writing a new book that's gonna have a field all to itself. It's for people who want to be unpopular, unsuccessful and fat."
"When i was five my father told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since."
"A guy gets a phone call from his doctor, who says, 'I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is you've got 24 hours to live.' 'Good god!' says the guy, 'what's the worse news?; the doctor says, 'I've been calling you since yesterday.'"
"I don't like to brag but I've got good looking kids. Thank god my wife cheated on me."
"I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my father's posture, my father's opinions, and my mother's contempt for my father."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair."
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