November 28th, 2006

Hey little apple blossom...
What seems to be the problem?
All the ones you tell your troubles to
They don't really care for you...

Come and tell me what you're thinking
Cause just when the boat is sinking 
A little light is blinking
And I will come and rescue you...

So it's approx 2 hours till my 23rd year, and I've reflected quite a bit on my trip back home.

Well you see, I spent some time with my family in Cicero over here in Chicago, but then had to trek back home myself to get here at a decent time so I can sleep in a bit to be at work by 4am (yikes!). Along the way, I thought about all the wacky accomplishments I've done since my 21st birthday.

And why that day? Of all days?

Well, it's the day my uncle Danny passed away. And the last day I ever saw him alive, to be honest.

I remember it pretty good, coming home after class (well actually skipping class haha) to come and see him. I spent about 5 hours with him, before leaving to meet up with some friends later on for dinner, but I came by and had some thanksgiving leftovers with him. Actually myself, as he was knocked out for a good 4 of those hours, but I didn't care. I watched tv and put on the bourne identity, and watched it as he slept. Only about once he woke up, and asked if I was doing ok. I told him of course, to which he went back to sleep, and I covered him up some more, as he was feeling quite cold.

He commented on me being grown, and finishing up school, and continued to comment on how big I was, and how much I've made him proud. I never physically said it was my 21st birthday, but I think he knew, as he kept commenting on my life as if I've reached some type of plateau, and will now climb yet another mountain. He kept reflecting alot on our times together at our old place on Albion and Clark, and how it came to now. He said i'd do big things, and that I'd make my mother proud, and that I've made him proud over the years.

He wished he hadn't been so loose in his life, that perhaps he hoped he had some better type of direction. Around that point, he drifted off into sleep. I remember my mom and grandpa coming to the house (the house I was in was actually my grandfather's, and my uncle was living with him) and after that, I had said goodbye, and made my way.

I had a great time that day actually, and night too, as that was the same day Eli had given me my Mega Man t-shirt which I adore so much with a passion and I got to hang out with my great friends Stan and Wasan and it was a grand old time.

And then...poof.

The next night, he passed away. Just like that.

My uncle was fighting liver disease, from throughout the years of having alcoholism and drug abuse problems. No one really knew, and if they did, they couldn't really persuade him to change. My uncle was one of those "well, if I did it young, there's no turning back now" types, and he ALMOST, almost, beat it. If it weren't for my great uncle Roberto (who was like a second father to him) passing away about a year and a half ago of HIV complications, my uncle probably would have gotten healthier and lived on with his life. But after losing our uncle, he lost all hope really, and deteriorated quite slowly, and painfully.

And thus, in the month of November, the doctors had stated, he probably wouldn't live past the month, and as time passed during that month, it showed. I was hoping, selfishly, perhaps he would stay alive for my birthday, to see me be 21, to perhaps see me grow into something more. That's all I really hoped for.

And he did.

And just like that, the next day.

Poof.

And yet so much has changed.

I kick-started that film career and started focusing on bigger projects. What have I done since?

In 2007 I...

I stunt coordinated and help to edit Ruthless, the John Woo short that took about a month and a half to shoot.

We nearly got the Audience Award in that John Woo Contest.

I went to Toronto for the first time, to meet up Dan Macdonald and Alex Chung and had a blast.

I was interviewed and did stunts on Canadian television during the Midnight Madness showing of "Flash Point"

I met Wilson Yip, director of SPL, Dragon Tiger Gate, Flash Point, and now Ip Man.

I shown alongside Shawn Bernal and my Toronto buddies on the Midnight Madness Blog.

I started production on "Those Who Go To Hell" exactly on NOVEMBER 5TH, 2007.

I fight choreographed three stage shows at UIC before graduating.

I called out my indie stunt peers across North America and they came coming.

In 2008 I...

I met Leo Kei Angelos, Paul Drechsler-Martell, Scott Hoffman, Jose Pacheco, Jon Truei, Fernando "Jay" Huerto, and Derek Lee all off the Stunt People boards.

I met my heros, and the reason why I created LBP in the first place, THE STUNT PEOPLE, which included Eric Jacobus, Shaun Finney, Dennis Ruel, Ray Carbonel, and Pete Lee.

I flew out to San Francisco to meet such said people, and had a BLAST working with everyone and working with everyone that flew down to Chicago as well.

I flew out to Boston and traveled to Rhode Island, Connecticut, and New York to do work on Leo Kei Angelos' "Pins and Needles".

I met Jim Ng, Matt Healey, Morgan Mcgrath, Lena Harwood, David Lavallee, Jr., Scott Thompson, Jonathan Miguel, Drew Cooper, and Jerry Sun while on my travels working on "Pins and Needles"

I met Mandy Chan, a former HK stuntman during the golden age era of HK cinema and friend of Donnie Yen, who was easily my mentor on the set of "Pins and Needles".

I stunt coordinated "Pins and Needles".

I returned to Toronto to meet up Dan Macdonald and Jonny Caines, and gained new friends and peers with Dennis Lafond and Pascal Aka.

I yelled out to Lee Byung-Hun of "A Bittersweet Life" that he was awesome. He gave me a thumbs up.

My LBP group of high school friends gave me one of the biggest reality checks of my life thus far in my career and personal life.

Working on Pins and Needles was reality check # 2.

I met director of "Dogs of Chinatown" Mr. Micah Moore, along with his fantabulous crew consisting of Blake Faucette, Andy Coon, Brian Lee, and Matt Sumner to work on the promo for his next feature film, "Beat Down Boogie" which Shawn and I will be supporting leads in.

I am NOW approx. 80% complete with my noir project, which is my biggest task as an filmmaker and action director yet.

And what now? Well I guess I turn 23! hahaha.

So quite a bit in 2 years, no? I've met ALOT of wonderful people and peers and artists and talent alike who are amazingly passionate in what they do and love and in different fields of not only my medium, but other mediums as well and I've been very blessed to be around these people and meet them and hear their wonderful stories and hopes and dreams.

Alas, with every good there is bad, and I myself, have been going through so much change that I know many of my choices weren't the best. I'm not a perfect person, and I'm not happy with alot of the choices and decisions I've made thus far. But I'm learning. I'm accepting. I know what I've done wrong and I'm trying my best to continue on a much more positive path for myself, my family, my friends, and my peers.

And it goes full circle.

Why have I talked about my uncle? At this time?

Because I told myself after he passed, I would do something with my life. I wouldn't stick with what I had and just accept it. I would do what I would need to, to push my limits as an artist and to meet like minded people and to be passionate about what I love and pursue it with all of my heart. Both of my uncles.

My uncle Roberto was like a second father to me, and my uncle Danny was like the older brother I never had. To see someone so strong deteriorate into nothing still brings me to tears.

But it wasn't in vain. He showed me more about persevering and accepting your mistakes and living your life to the fullest. He easily was one of the most flawed men I've ever been in the presence of, but dammit if he didn't love his family with a passion. If that was one thing, he was always loyal. To the bitter end, he loved every one of us and he openly admitted it.

No Regret.

I'm trying to live my life, with no regret.

I feel sometimes, in my wee 23 years, that perhaps the things I've witnessed are too much to be kept held in.

But I wont make the same mistake Danny did.

Eventually, I'll have to open up. And grow. And continue growing.

Accepting.

Loving.

Living.

Who am I to state such goals? I'm only human right?

You win some, you lose some. At the end of the day, just accept.

Move on, or try to. And keep runnin'

Don't let no one tell you different.

Great ambition leads to greater goals.

But as someone once told me:

"It's very easy to have ambition, and even easier to be arrogant at it."

So what does that mean? Well another great person told me this:

"The star gets the attention, but director and the producer have all the power. Don't be afraid to take a step back to humble yourself. Anyone can stand in front of a camera and perform, but it takes a real artist to make something of it, and a real person to push that actor and his crew out first before he even takes a step."

All before one.

I try my best. And I know better now.

All before one.

There's no "I" in team. Regardless of who does what.

I'm very thankful of everyone and everything that I've had the opportunity to meet and witness and learn and continue to learn, old and new alike.

This wouldn't have been possible without the guidance of my family.

Things happen for a reason, I suppose. And I've chosen my path.

Thank You Danny.

I miss you so damn much, but sometimes I have to remind myself.

Your there.

I can feel it.

You never left at all.

Thank you.

RIP Daniel L. Manzanares, Jr. 1970 - 2006.

From Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Mexican.

Lots of girls walk around in tears
But that's not for you
You've been looking all around for years
For someone to tell your troubles to...

Come and sit with me and talk awhile
Let me see your pretty little smile...
Put your troubles in a little pile
And i will sort them out for you.

I'll fall in love with you...
I think i'll marry you.