Re-Visiting My Darker Side

Human beings are multi-faceted creatures, are we not? We all like to see ourselves in a good light most of the time... but then, there's always this darker side of ourselves that lurks beneath the surface, and if we don't take control of it, it can control us and overcome us.

Lately, I've been re-visiting and re-exploring my darker side... I'm not sure why just yet, but it's just been happening... I've been enjoying watching movies like Underworld, Underworld Evolution, and Sweeney Todd... I've been enjoying the bleak look of futuristic movies like the Matrix movies... and I've been enjoying vampire movies like Bram Stoker's Dracula, The Lost Boys, Interview With A Vampire, Dracula 2000, Queen Of The Damned... I've also been listening to a lot of very gothic-sounding music, like "Bring Me To Life" and "My Immortal" by Evanescence, "Cry Little Sister" from The Lost Boys soundtrack, "Personal Jesus" and "Master & Servant" by Depeche Mode, "Dragula" by Rob Zombie, and so on... you get my drift... it's all very dark.

I've had a morbid fascination with vampires ever since I was a teenager, there's something about them that is sexy and sensual... maybe that explains why I've been dressing as a vampire the past 2 Halloweens or so... I actually watched this documentary about people who take their fascination with vampires to an extreme by actually getting vampire teeth and drinking blood, among other things... I wasn't sure what to make of it, but what I do know is that while I think vampires are cool, I'm not so sure if I would actually take it to that extreme.

It's not the horror aspect of vampires that appeals to me, blood and gore doesn't do much for me, and in fact I don't enjoy watching horror movies in general, as I find them too creepy... but I will still watch a good vampire movie any day... and when I speak of vampires, I mean the Western kind, not the kind seen in Chinese movies... Chinese vampires creep me out, and I find nothing appealing about them... my fascination is strictly with Western-style vampires.

Ironically, I think it is the "human" aspect of these vampires that I enjoy more... visually, the image of pale skin, dark hair, blood red lips is just stunning, 'cos it stands out... the physicality of a vampire's bite, right into the neck, leaving 2 small puncture wounds, kind of like a love bite... their devil-may-care attitude towards life, because they are immortal anyways... their vulnerability, because despite being immortal, they still need to feed in order to maintain themselves, and they can never ever come out into the sun again... actually, they are pretty sad creatures, aren't they? For everything they have, they have sacrificed everything else.

Can you just imagine what it is like to live forever, while everyone around you passes away? Or never being able to come out in the sun again? Or only being able to survive on one kind of liquid food for your sustainence? That's sad, isn't it? So as powerful as they seem to be, on the other hand, they are also sad and vulnerable creatures, aren't they?

I guess I relate to them, because I see myself the same way... in some ways, I am strong and bold and powerful, and in other ways, I am sad and vulnerable... the paradox of these 2 sides residing in one being has always been a source of fascination for me.

Perhaps that's why the character of Padme Amidala in the Star Wars movies appeals to me... this is a lady who is strong, bold and powerful, yet at the same time, she is sad and vulnerable.

The character of Selene in the Underworld movies is the same... as is Trinity in the Matrix movies... I think I may have hit the nail right on the head there... strong female characters with a kind of sadness and vulnerability to them.

I suppose, on one hand, I see how I can be a strong person... but on the other hand, there is still sadness and vulnerability in me... sadness, 'cos I'm one of those people who can feel alone, even in a crowd... and vulnerability, because despite the strong face I display, sometimes I still give in to my softer, more feminine side... the side that yearns to love and be loved. I still haven't found a special someone, I'm still looking for him, and no matter how strong and independent you are, you still crave the company of another human being.

You don't need him, but you want him all the same... needing him implies that you cannot live without him, and that you are possibly one of those clingy and needy women who cannot live alone, but the thing is, you know you can live without him, so you're not like that at all... wanting him, on the other hand, implies that despite the fact that you know you don't need him and that you can live without him, you still have a choice about it, and your choice is that you still want him in your life.

My problem is, I don't think I'm quite ready for someone to come into my life just yet... my sis tells me, there's never a right time for love, and we aren't always ready for it when it comes... all I know is that I want it, but I don't think I'm ready for it... there are things I feel I still need to work on a bit more... but if that's the case, will there ever be a "right time" for me??

I dunno... all I know is that right now, I just need to go underground for awhile, and just work on myself and on being the best me that I can possibly be... and for me, this includes focusing on my work, focusing on my home, and focusing on friends and family... at the moment, I don't think I'm very happy with how I'm doing in all these areas... I've not been loving myself very much, I've not been doing as well as I ought to at work, my home is a mess, I've started to neglect my family and friends, and I find myself withdrawing into my own little world more and more these days... I don't think it's a very healthy place to be in... but at the same time, if I don't cocoon myself, how can I repair my wings and learn to fly again?

Gosh, I think this has probably been my most personal and most honest blog entry to date... and I've been wanting to write all this for some time now, but it's like it got stuck inside of me and couldn't make it's way out until now.

I only hope that the next time I write, it will be a much brighter and happier entry than this has been.

All I can say is that I hope I can "Bring Me To Life" once again...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQEmRTUo16g