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• Twilight... yes that one.

  2009-05-05 8:40PM / 標準BLOG / 會員可以看
  

  To say that I endured watching the movie would be a lie, the numerous bad lines and constipated expressions of various characters made the movie enjoyable enough. Yes it was enjoyable for all the wrong reasons, but i gets credit for not making me fall asleep (read: Chicago). With the firm knowledge that much money and fame can be gained by publishing one's own day dreams about high school life and sexual encounters of the vampire kind give me faith that one day I too can be a famous author. Well, anyway on to the whole reviewing bit.
  
  The actors' portrayal of the range of emotions found in most normal humanoids (considering that this movie is about vampires and such) can be summarised into one hyphenated word - non-existent. Most of the "actors" expressions can be described as one or two constant emotions throughout the whole film. Bella - Loathing, Edward - Bipolar, Jasper - Constipated and so on and so forth. The entire film could have been acted out by planks with expressions spray painted onto their surfaces. A Keanu movie has more expression than the entire cast of Twilight.
  
  Bella pretty much spends the whole movie being a hateful little bitch with friends who are shallower than a puddle of water on a hot day. Edward has more mood swings than a convent full of pre-menstrual teenagers and has the speech characteristic of an autistic child. Also they have about as much sexual tension as a bucketload of fecal matter. Although one must admit it was probably a challenge for the actors to act out characters that were clearly written as one dimensional.
  
  I could go on forever about the shoddy acting and gratuitous abuse of the Dutch Angle (google that if you don't know what it means) but on to the logical flow of the film. It doesn't. At all. Namely the time dilation. She moves there. He goes missing from school for about a week. Her friend informs her that prom is in two or three weeks. And when she asks Edward how long he had been doing the bedroom stalking thing he calmly replies a couple of months. So either their town is in space, which affects how Bella and the audience perceives time, or Edward has been regularly breaking into the Swan home and watching an empty bedroom months before Bella even moved in. Which kinda goes beyond the realm of creepy into the realm of Fucking Insane.
  
  Then we have the whole bit of how he doesn't sleep and at the end of the movie, in the hospital, he was... OMG.. ASLEEP. Fucking liar.
  
  Then there is that bit where she google's Quileute Legends. Goes to another county to buy a book, and then returns home to read a few words from the book and then Google the fuck out of everything else. Why buy the damn book in the first place?
  
  Also it is apparent that Stephanie Meyer doesn't know much about vampires. Firstly, no vampire sparkles like the fantasy of a disco-junkie. They fucking burn in the sunlight. No matter how little or mild the sunlight is they burn like a bitch. This is widely accepted vampire lore and while she deserves credit for trying to be innovative she also deserves to die for thinking like a 12 year old. And becoming the hole thing with making the Cullens family some kind of pirated X-men team doesn't work.
  
  So while the book is the bastard love-child of Stephanie Meyers' desecration of romance and vampire genres along with a mixture of utter, unadulterated mental retardation, the movie is the inbred son of that bastard love child.
  
  Watch the movie for a laugh if you must, but don't go around saying it was an amazing movie because someone will shoot you, and you would have deserved it.