silent mode's ON, desire's OFF

My cell, my only 24 commnication device was off during a movie with my son,

we were watching, INTERNATIONAL-Clive Owen, Niomi Watts, it sucked BIG time.

anywayz, back to my cell......I forgot to turn it back on after i gone home around 8pm,

it was prime time for many, espciallly ones with a partner....

first dinner, then romance...........all night long.

turing on my laptop, of cos, that's 1st thing after i gone home, TV 2nd..........

i knwo i know,,,,but what do expect, remembered I was sharing

Single, but happy on happy Vday........BUT.....

there's another world within in days like these....

one was happy until it's challenged....tempted.........simply bcos.....

Flesh is Flesh.

1st by MSN..........while browsing purposely....

some girl, was asking me to go out for a drink.........

mind is a funny thing and a wild land..........desries creeped in.......

from a happy n calm mode.........suddnely in my mind.........a storm....

i was witnessing myself.........in the centre of the hurricane.

It would a funny sight if anyone could see me from a distance, a window or something,

they will notice nothing....someone...on Vday...was at peace brwosing...

NOT the case......completely opposite!!!

I was struggling/.........her words became more n more direct.....explicit....

i know i was losing the battle at the time....well to be honest, I lost.

i turned down a previous tea mtg with another guy friend....

telling him i was chatting with a girl.....he was happy for me.....he says just go....on msn

'You were so Dry for a longtime...'he replied...with no resistance of me going........

i was ready....i said........when?

msn will quiet.....i typed once more.....when to drink????

no reply from the girl......makeup time for the lady.........

i went to my room, fully knowing that if I chose to go out,

i would be regretting cos I dont love the girl....cant even consider 'like'....

it was purely...............

and also I knew before that ' unavoidable act' after the drinks.......

Full of lies lies lies.........despite all that pre knowledge....mind made up.

Fully confident that she would call me......once she's done whatever she's preparing....

and she did!!!

I laid down on my bed....just try to get some short rest then gearing up for a longnight,

when I woke up....it was 245am.........no call, no sound......

u know what...my first feeling was so happy...so relieved........

i went out for a water.....and checked my cell......

it was on Silent Mode....

she did call........left msgs along with others calls from different friends.......

when I cant save myself......someone did.....GOd did.

I m sharing this as a loser , trying to be 100% percent truthful,

i was going to commit an act purely based on just desires....

fully a dsigrace to my belief........i know....i know....just grown up normal men n women thing.....

Everyone's differnt and I respect that.

To me, i could truly wait for soemone who I truly love....

and I can love someone....and sex is not a must....

but if just want to have sex where i dont even have a tin bit of lovings...

if I did...I made up those so called words/love words, lies.

it was never love. and that is total shame.

and fully aware of that shame i made my choice to proceed on.....indescrible...a crime maybe

I thank my God for saving me despite what seemed 0 possiblitiy of resisting.

I was indeed happy again , on a Valentine days' when I looked back.

I was as weak as anyone......no stronger.......but only weaker.

for the 1st time, I truly appreciate the beauty of technology(silent mode )+

temporary absent mindedness together......with God.

All things bcome possible.

sorry all ladies out there, there are truly bad guys like me.

My whole plot was intervened by some unknown force,stopping me to commit such an act

on such a meaningful night of Valentines for those who celebrate true loves.

I was a Vilian against true love last night.

pardon me and watch out.

Cos there are more than you think out there,

shamefully,

j