“Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away...

Despair will attack you again and again.

In the same manner hope will return to you.

Again and again...”

“I started crying..

It was the first time in my life that I felt forgiven.

Like I was saved.

Like the frozen snow that's melted by spring,

the tears wouldn't stop.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAWbDVhD8A4

I don't regret having to leave or shut some people out of my life; those I left in the past should remain in the past.

But this one I truly fear: A passing of a love one.

10 years ago, a friend of mine died of leukemia, she was 16.

Her passing was the first time I felt how hard it is to lose someone.

During junior high in '98, my friend was diagnosed with leukemia & had to stop going to school. None of us knew that she was sick until a few months later. We weren't very close, we only knew each other through common friends, but we got to hang out during summer class in '98, she was actually nice.

I remember going back to school during sophomore in '97, I got sick & was absent for a couple of weeks. Everyone was welcoming me back & saying their well wishes. She & I were on different class sections. As I was walking to my next class, I saw her coming up to me, thought she would just say "welcome back", but I received a very sincere hug from her.

During a visit at a hospital in '98, we accidentally bumped into each other, she was there for her chemotherapy, that's when we start to become good friends. Although, we don't see each other due that she's living in another city for her chemo, she would sometimes call & would update me about her condition.

She recovered in 1999, we even had a celebration with old friends; she went back to school at the city were she currently residing that time, I too transfer to another city. From then on, I only talked to her on the phone twice. First, when we were discussing about her plans on going back to school & my transferring to another city, & second was when she told me she's confined at the hospital but assured me she was already okay.

A few months later, a certain acquaintance told me that she passed away, I didn't believe him. Yet, together with my cousin, sis, & I, we asked our folks to drive us to their home. There was a white flag at their house, we thought that probably another relative died. So there was her Mom. We asked her where she was, she couldn't answer at first, then she said "She finally went home..", I knew what she meant, but I was hoping that it meant differently. She said that it's been 2 weeks since she  passed away. That came a shock to me & I was filled with guilt. Why didn't I tried to reach out to her, why did I keep postponing my plans to visit her?

It was our first time to meet her Mom, she said to us while trying to hold back her tears, "She returned to school already, but she suddenly had a relapsed. So, you are the friends that she keeps telling me about, she would often talk about you guys." and she gave us a weak, sad smile.

I'm a cold, introvert little person & don't want to show my emotions. I didn't talk about her death to anyone, didn't receive a hug, or heard any words of comfort.

We told her Mom we'll come back, but up to this day, I still haven't stepped back at their home.

Death is inevitable. I know there's no one on earth is prepared to lose someone they care about.

Yet I see so many people who have move on with their lives after losing a dear one. The Mother of my closest cousin died of cancer. During the 2nd day of my aunt's wake, she was already okay & finally joking around. I know she was hurting inside, but if I were her, I'll probably lock myself up in my room, & will try to avoid talking to anyone.

There are others whom I think can accept death willingly because of their strong faith & positive outlook in life.

I admire these people, because I know to myself that although I may be a loner, realizing a love one's mortality is something I can not handle..

Although I agree that moving on doesn't mean you have forgotten that person. As what they say - the pain never goes away, you only got used to it.

Have a peaceful All Soul's Day. Let's remember our dearly departed & pray they'll have a better journey in the after life.

3)     Can (slowly) read & write Arabic, but I don't how to spell or speak the language. 

4)  

5)       I can't imagine myself living a  long life.

6)      Easily forgets a person's face & name.

7)    The sky is always the last thing I would see before going to sleep.

8)      I find Androgynous men sexy!

9)       I always develop a crush on Keanu Reeves whenever I see this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH_AJ4rDdEY

10)   I used to be a bookworm, but now, I have so many unread books left in my room.

11)   I have a scar near my left eyebrow; Had it when my younger bro threw a porcelain doll at me when I was 6.

12)   Have 9 piercings.

13)   I fell down the stairs when I was 8. I used to wonder what goes on in the mind of those who falls down a stairs or a building;  so while rolling down the stairs, my thought was,  "hmmm.. so this is how it is?". 

14)   I'm very perceptive. I can easily tell when a person is lying to me.

15) 

16)   Back in 2nd grade while playing 'tag' with friends at our school's waiting room, this boy suddenly interrupted us to ask for my name & when I asked him why, he suddenly kneeled down & sang this line:

17) I only learned a few basic in driving & never properly practiced, so anyone who wishes to go for a drive with me, just let me know. 

18) I've always wanted to be a nun.

19) I'm fascinated with the old eras - the architecture, lifestyle, arts & literature. I sometimes wish I was born in  the 18th or 19th century.

20) I'm very moody & sometimes have a bad temper, I can control it though, but there will be times that I get so fed up, I go ballistic ala-Christian Bale (no, mine only last a minute or two).

21) 

22)

23)

24)  I'm not fluent with any of the three languages I speak.

25)  I fell asleep listening to The Hollies before.

FAREWELL MICHAEL

"My goal in life is to give to the world what I was lucky to receive...

the ecstasy of divine union through my music and my dance."

I always had this weird feeling that sometimes when I think of something terrible, it becomes reality..

And when an old friend told me that he's coming back home because his Mom's sick, I suddenly had this strange image of them having a funeral.

This day was extremely sad: an old friend whom I haven't seen nor spoken to for so many years lost his mom from cancer & another friend was fretting about a sudden engagement.

But this text message I received from my cousin affected me so much:

K: Breaking News: Legendary Pop Icon Michael Jackson dies at 50. =(

Me: Are you sure? is this on the news. 

K: Yes it's true, my friend texted me that she saw it on the news. When i heard about it, I suddenly remember back in grade school you were a big MJ fan & thought I should text you & your sis. MJ's songs are really nice...

I really can’t believe MJ has left us. ='(

Still don't know much about the deatils of his death.

I’m trying not to watch the news, it hurts so much seeing all these headlines of his demise.. *sobs*

I’m silently crying right now.. And yes, I am listening to his songs while writing this, I feel extremely sad, knowing he’s no longer with us.. ='(

Hearing his songs gives me goosebumps knowing that never will we ever see him sing these songs to us again..

I will miss him truly...

“Even though the pain and heartache

Seems to follow me wherever I go

Though I try and try to hide my feelings

They always seem to show

Then you try to say you're leaving me

And I always have to say no...

Tell me why is it so

That I Never Can Say Goodbye…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQLOvd1TVuI

He was one of my sources of inspiration to be a good person. ='(