Your Courtship Clock -- Decoded

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Your Courtship Clock -- Decoded

By Lisa Lombardi for Redbook

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Maybe you and he locked eyes instantly, said "I love you" after your first date and got hitched in a Vegas chapel before catching each other's last names. Or you dated through college and grad school (and more grad school), prompting everyone from your sister to the guy in the bagel store to say, "Are you two ever going to tie the knot?" On the road to the altar, some couples fly, some do the speed limit, and plenty take detour after detour. But did you ever wonder what clip makes for the strongest marriage?

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"You can have a happy marriage after any length courtship," says Ted Huston, Ph.D., professor of human ecology and psychology at the University of Texas. However, not every tempo is created equal. Huston has spent 15 years studying the relationship between courtship length and marital success and has found that the closer a couple's courtship is to average length (two years, four months), the more successful the union.

While both very fast and very slow to marry couples are more likely to divorce than couples with an average-length courtship, the whirlwind pairs tend to remain married longer than the feet-draggers, staying hitched more than seven years on average. Why? "They start off on such an emotional high of passion that they're reluctant to give it up when problems arise," Huston says. The drawn-out-courtship couples, on the other hand, "often hope marriage will improve their relationship, and when it doesn't, they quickly conclude it isn't going to work," he says. Yet many who've rushed in or taken baby steps have exceptional marriages -- so how do they pull it off? Read on for their success secrets and strategies for getting closer, no matter how long you two took to walk down the aisle.

If You Dated Less Than One Year

Pair personality: Who plunges into marriage after dating a year or less? Couples who marry quickly fall into one of two camps: Some are ultra-passionate and impulsive pairs, who top a torrid romance with rushed nuptials; the others are pragmatic, cut-to-the-chase couples, who may be on a timetable (due, say, to a biological clock), explains Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (New Page, 2002). Tania Tenbarge, a floral designer from Princeton, New Jersey, who dated her husband, Bryce, a marketing executive, for nine months before marrying him, says she falls into the latter category. "I'm not the type that this kind of thing usually happens to," she says. "But I knew after one conversation that he was The One." Bryce moved just as decisively, looking for a ring within a month of their first date. "In successful instances, they're clear about what they want and have the communication skills to find out quickly if the other person feels the same," says Tessina.

Happily-ever-after prognosis: Wanna guess which of these two types of pairs you're more likely to see in divorce court? Yep, the couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other. "The more passionate the courtship, the less likely the marriage is to last," says Huston. After an overly idyllic courtship, these couples end up disillusioned, which often leads to marital problems.

However, couples who move quickly because they've found someone with standout-spouse qualities -- being even-tempered, respectful and thoughtful -- tend to have strong marriages. That makes sense to Susie Shubert, who hung out with a male coworker at a Minneapolis nightclub one New Year's Eve, agreed to grab a cup of coffee with him the next day and was married to him 10 months later. What made her warm up to Cory -- now her husband of almost 11 years -- so quickly, she recalls, was not only that he made her heart race, but that he was a kind man. "I'd been in plenty of loser relationships, and Cory had been married before," she says. "By the time we met each other, we both really knew what we wanted and recognized a good thing when we found it."

Less Than One Year: Get Closer

Get-closer advice: One problem with fast-forwarding through the dating phase is that it doesn't leave a heck of a lot of getting-to-know-you time. Sure, you know the major stuff -- his hopes, his soft spots, his fears. But by learning more of the minutiae about his past, and revealing your own, you'll find fresh ways to feel connected (even if it's just discovering that he also loved The Jetsons or kept shiny rocks in a shoebox under his bed). Try this eye-opening excursion: Pull out your high school and college yearbooks and peruse them together, even getting nosy about the notes.

Another challenge for superfast couples is that "you're marrying in the 'honeymoon stage,' when you see each other with rose-colored glasses, and the other can do no wrong," says Catherine Burton, M.A., a marriage and family therapist in Dallas. The newlywed months can be a huge shock to a woman who said "I do" thinking, "This guy is perfect." If he hung on your every word during your whirlwind romance, it can be crushing the first time he zones out while you're trying to tell him something important. Sometimes it's as simple as "keeping a sense of humor and not confusing normal human imperfections with character flaws," says Tessina. Also, the experts say that if you let him have time to veg after work or hang with his friends, he's more likely to be completely "there" when you want to have a connected conversation.

Finally, don't panic if the sizzle starts to fizzle a bit. Trying to recapture that initial rush is hazardous to your relationship's health, says Huston. "You can't sustain that level of passion and you shouldn't try to reclaim it," he says. "Your relationship has to fade a little into the background. If it didn't, you'd never get anything done." The fact is, research has found that married couples show 50 percent less affection over the first two years (fewer "I love you's," less sex) -- and that doesn't spell d-i-v-o-r-c-e. Rather than trying to remain perpetual newlyweds, your mission now should be to deepen your friendship, says Huston. Tag along with your man and his buddy to a baseball game (matching them hot dog for hot dog). Hit the gym together. Challenge him to a thumb wrestle. Ask him to read a novel you just finished and loved. The more you can carve out new roles as romantic best friends, the less you'll miss your old ones as torrid lovers out of a romance novel.

If You Dated One to Three years

Pair personality: Couples who cruise through courtship at an average speed are most likely to be easygoing and levelheaded. Your stint as boyfriend and girlfriend lacked the drama that delays nuptials and the impetuousness that leads to presto engagements. You're way more moderate, which may not make for the wildest stories, but "you don't need so much drama in a marriage," notes Huston. "Couples who dated one to three years before marrying develop an easy romantic friendship during their courtship. If you see it as a friendship, you miss the important romance element, but if you see it as a romance, you miss the essential friendship part." It's a buddy system that also serves you well after The Big Day, as Amanda Dundas, 29, of Brooklyn, found out. "Dating for two years, and our year-long engagement, gave us time to solidify our bond, work out any kinks in our interfaith relationship and just generally become best friends," she says. "Patrick and I know each other's weaknesses and strengths, and function so well together as a team I often wonder how I made it through life without him."

Happily-ever-after prognosis: An ordinary courtship often precedes an extraordinary marriage, says Huston. Couples who progress at a steady pace tend to have sweet, low-key courtships followed by close and harmonious marriages. Unlike the speed daters, you've had the benefit of testing the waters with each other through key stages. And you've had time to realize just how much you can lean on your partner, as Julie Taylor, 32, of Glendale, California, discovered. "I got to know Jay through two years of ups and downs," she says. "During that time my mom was diagnosed with cancer and Jay was really my rock. He was there for me during the hardest time of my life. By the time we walked down the aisle, we knew each other intimately, but were still fresh and excited about our relationship and future together."

One to Three Years: Get Closer

Get-closer advice: We're guessing your relationship is already filled with sweet romantic rituals. (Could you imagine going to sleep without first kissing your man good-night?) But if there's one thing your marriage could use an extra helping of, it's unplanned romance. When's the last time you two did something wild and crazy and really, really fun together? To work these little love moves into your life, you don't have to spend a lot of money or plan an elaborate outing, says Tessina. Run after him and give him a second kiss when he's leaving for work in the morning. Get a babysitter, toss brie, a baguette and his favorite beer in a bag and whisk him off to a sunset picnic. The next time his favorite band is coming to town, surprise him by getting tickets, but don't divulge it until the day before the show when he finds them taped to his CD player. Challenge him to a pillow fight -- winner gives the loser a full-body massage.

If You Dated More Than Three Years

Pair personality: Fun- and freedom-lovers often end up taking it slow. Chances are that the two of you enjoy partying and traveling with your friends and prefer group outings to romantic date nights. But another type of couple can be slow to wed: That would be cautious folks (often because of being burned in the past). And the fact is, that's not a bad thing, say the experts. "If you really want to know a person's true nature, watch his actions over time," says Burton. If you aren't gun-shy and didn't meet young, though, there's a chance you've had a rocky relationship or a commitment issue slowing you down.

Happily-ever-after prognosis: Okay, you already know the bad news: The slowest to marry tend to be the quickest to split. Huston found that pairs who had a long and tumultuous courtship (in other words, not merely drawn out but also full of drama) tended to be "early exiters," divorcing within a few years of marriage. Why would couples who moved so cautiously toward the altar be so quick -- and decisive! -- about throwing in the towel? "It turns out that one of the main reasons for a long courtship is a deep ambivalence about marriage itself or about the person they're marrying," says Huston. And if you lived together, the cards may be more stacked against you. "Recent research has found that couples who lived together have a higher divorce rate than those who didn't," says Burton. The possible reason, she speculates, is that living together may create a template of sorts for a relationship with no commitment.

But that's hardly the only outcome for marathon daters. According to Huston, you're likely to have a strong relationship if the pace was mutual and there were special circumstances: say, you were teenagers when you met. Or you wanted to get your careers established. Or you got thrown by a family or personal crisis -- in which case, the fact that you weathered the storm together is a very good sign. All three factors played into Bronxville, New York, couple Laura and Billy Sanford's decision to wait 10 years before getting married. Laura, now 31, was 17 when she started dating Billy; he was 16. During that span she attended college out of state and he started his own wine store. Then he was diagnosed with cancer (which is now in remission). "We needed that time to get to know each other at our own pace and learn how to create that dance and live with each other," explains Laura.

According to Huston, "The real question is, once marriage gets put on the table, how long does it take from that point on, and how often does the courtship take a downward spiral?" Some very devoted spouses start as stallers. "Sometimes one of you -- usually the guy -- just needs time to mature. And if you don't give that person an ultimatum, he turns into a committed spouse, which he wouldn't have been had he felt rushed," says Burton.

More Than Three Years: Get Closer

Get-closer advice: It's human nature to take something for granted after a while, and that can create a rift in even the most rock-solid relationship. So one must-do for you two is to find some sweet little ways to show your appreciation for each other. You don't have to write your feelings on a billboard; the more modest and intimate the gesture, the better. For instance, stick an "I love you" note on his cell phone or laptop. Or let him know that you think he's a better -- and hotter -- grill master than Bobby Flay. Or remind your kids (within earshot of him), "You have the most amazing daddy in the world."

And just because you've been a couple forever, don't assume you've seen it all. "It's so important to keep growing and discovering new adventures together," says Tessina. Some of that just happens, as David Schnarch, Ph.D., director of the Marriage and Family Health Center in Evergreen, Colorado, notes: "You can prolong courtship as long as you like and still not know your partner. There's an old saying: No man knows his wife until he's gone through the ravages of hell with her -- meaning the typical marital struggles." But some of that widening of horizons you can make happen -- by taking up new hobbies together, exploring each other's old favorites and continuing to ask questions of one another about feelings, opinions and secret dreams.

After three years of marriage -- which makes 13 years together -- Laura and Billy Sanford would agree. "While we were living together, we used to think, 'Why should we bother marrying? We know each other inside and out; we're basically married,'" says Laura. "But my mother said, 'You'll see, marriage is completely different.' She was right. Almost every day I wake up and say, Who is this guy? What's so surprising is that we're still learning about each other and still developing together as people."