What a Crasshole

I will never claim to be a good person.

I will never concede to being a bad one either, since many people I know personally are reprehensible even to me. So I am not horrible, but I have my moments.

I take succor from being crass. It's a coping mechanism. Oh hell, it's a hobby.

Last Saturday night, as per usual, I had nothing to do and no one to do it with.

That's not being crass, just honest.

I realized I hadn't checked out Sino Centre for a while, so I got on the bus to Mong Kok. After browsing the Japanese DVDs of Hollywood (and some HK) movies that have been a hot item there for a couple months, I decided to take my usual stroll down Crass Alley.

But wait. An explanation is in order...

The intersection of Soy and Shanghai streets is interesting for at least two reasons. First (for me anyway), the northeast corner of it is where the Yun Lai Teahouse used to be. It's where the opening gun battle in Hard Boiled (辣手神探) was filmed. Every time someone comes to see me in Hong Kong (since they're all movie geeks too), I have to take them to see this place.

Which brings me to the second reason why this intersection is important.

Om the southeast corner, there used to be a 'dai pai dong' restaurant that featured chicken. Not poultry... chicken. They'd sit in there with their pimps, waiting for the phone call that would send them off to their next assignment. Well, the government, with its usual admixture of zeal and ineptitude, knocked down the restaurant and put up a chain link fence around the lot, hung with banners proclaiming a victory in the battle against vice or some other banality.

So now, the Ejaculation Technicians just stand on the sidewalk, leaning against said fence. They're actually MORE visible now, and on city property. The locals call it the Sand Track, after the place at the race course where they parade the horses before the race so you can decide which one you'll put your money on.

In a totally ugly and inexcusable way, I find them amusing in the crassest way. This is the dark side of capitalism, Mongkok's Yang to the IFC tower's Wang (yeah, I meant that...).

Which reminds me; if Langham Place was supposed to change/improve Mongkok's reputation as the capitol of the sex trade in HK, why does it look like so much like a dildo???

Imagine a line of girls who are not only new to this city, but obviously new to makeup (and still utter strangers to subtlety). Most of them are also new to high heels, providing a good bit of mirth when they walk. Hell, some even appear new to shoes. They smoke cigarettes and try to look inconspicuous, which, as you can imagine, they are anything but, especially chatting away in Mandarin of varying accents.

I always wear my headphones when I walk past here; it keeps me from being spoken to. I have been offered all manner of sweaty diversions, my favorite (and the most offensive) having been bilingual. I quote verbatim here: "Chinese girl diu hai?" It struck me as so funny that I burst out laughing.

It's no laughing matter to really think about what's going on here, but sometimes all I can do is laugh because the alternative is just too depressing. Besides, you should have seen the look on the guy's face when he said it. And when I burst out laughing, even the girl smiled.

But Saturday night was a new low. It was a charming confluence of chance and sarcasm, and sadly, it made my night.

It may have been the music I was listening to: Made in Japan, the live Deep Purple album from 1972. As I walked past the women, I realized that the current track blaring through my over-sized headphones was "Strange Kind of Woman", whose lyrics (partially) are:

I want you, I need you, I gotta be near you
I spent my money as I took my turn
I want you, I need you, I gotta be near you
Ooh, I got a strange kind of woman

It seemed funny to me. I'd call it synchronicity, but Sting is so full of himself that I hate to contribute.

I walked past them and went to 7-11 for some water. I realized I was a bit peckish, and looked around for something minimally unhealthy to eat (looking for healthy food in a 7-11 is like looking for a girlfriend in that neighborhood...). I spied a chicken (!) and celery sandwich. I bought it.

It tickled me to be able to 'eat chicken' on this block without moral repercussions. Or a condom.

I ate it as I walked back towards Nathan Rd., past the fence again. Just as I passed them, the lyric recurred - "I spent my money as I took my turn..." It made me laugh so hard I almost spit out my food.

I don't like being so crass. I know its wrong to laugh at people like that. But sometimes it's my only defense.

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see 'em bloom, for me and for you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, sayin' how do you do
Theyre really sayin' I love you.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
Theyll learn much more, than Ill never know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

It sure is.