one step back

my friend told me that in a relationship, or mainly during the courtship stage, the guy and the girl will usually play the game of taking steps back and forward.

meaning, sometimes, after a few initial dates, when the guy sends the girl text msgs/calls her all the time, the girl may think that he's moving along too quickly, and so she might want to take a step back and perhaps give them both some time/space.  So when the guy realises that, he then takes a step back, thinking he might have appeared to be coming on too strong. Then the girl wonders why he hasn't  been sending her any text msgs or contacted her in a while, she then gets worried, starts missing the guy a lot, and decided maybe she shoudn't be playing hard to get. She then takes a step forward, and takes the initiative to contact the guy instead.

i find that to be quite true. as it seemed to have been happening to me all the time.

So my love is finally out of boot camp, officially a US Marine now.

When i came back from the summer, and he went into camp, i had a hard time for the first month, missing him so much, writing to him, and not getting his letters until a few weeks later. then slowly, school started, and i was busy with school, but still writing to him as usual, and counting down to this week when he'd be out and i can finally talk to him online again.

Then he started to talk about "plans" we should have for future, such as marriage, and moving over to the US, and i got scared. we've known each other for a year plus, and we haven't even been physically together for more than 2 months. I get scared everytime he tries to rush into things, when i'm already so stressed up with school. so i got frustrated, and somehow said stuff that maybe i shouldn't have said. this didn't turn out to be what i expected, as i was sooo looking forward to this.

I apologised, realising i may have hurt his feelings, and i was scared that he'd give up on this, on us. Then he finally came through too, and said he's sorry for rushing me into everything, when we still have so many years ahead of us. So he told me to let him know when i'm ready. and to focus on school for now.

my heart sank.
because i know how much he wants us to be together soon. But so do i, i'm just, not ready yet, i guess.

Still, with him taking a step back now, i feel like i'm more of the 'dependent' one again, missing him so much all the time, telling him how much i love him (which i usually don't).

And knowing that he'd be back for combat training for another 6 weeks yet again in a few days' time, i'm feeling the pain again, that i'm going to miss him so much, after being able to talk online everyday this whole week.

it's like, i'm taking him for granted, knowing how to cherish him only when he's gone. then get all frustrated again when we're able to talk and he starts discussing about plans for the future.

sigh, i hate myself for being so emotional. never knew loving someone, having the special someone, is so hard.

so for now, i tell him that i love him, whenever I can. hate to imagine the day when he has to leave again...