should i just keep chasing pavements..

i knew this was coming, one day.

so he saw photos of me drinking, and i didn't tell him about it (even though i was supposed to), 'cos i'm supposed to be "quitting drinking". truth is, i did try really hard, all my friends know it. it was just once or twice that i had to, and decided it should be a white lie, knowing how upset he would get.

but yea, i thought it was pretty much over when he said "until you can find ways to regain my trust, let me be".  i don't blame him for losing some trust in me, but he crossed the line when he dug out other photos of me with my guy friends and started asking me if i danced with them, why i "let them climb all over me", blah blah.

next day, he "ended" our relationship status on facebook.

i cried for hours and hours, and i didn't sleep at all the previous night after we had that long talk of me "lying". so yea, i was ready to let go, even though it was so painful. not that i always wanted to, but this wasn't going anywhere, not much future, especially after i start working and i won't have the time/money to visit him so often. neither would he have so much money to come over all the time. 

and then he had to come back and say it wasn't what he wanted.. that he wanted to work things out. but by saying that i need "help", as though i'm an alcoholic. he doesn't understand that drinking is a form of socialising here, and the amount i drink, won't even constitute 5% of what an "alcoholic" would drink. (But i must stress here that his reason that drinking is BAD is because his dad passed away when he was young, due to liver failure 'cos of excessive drinking).

i've tried, quitting, but i guess by doing that, i'm losing a part of myself, of who i am. not that i absolutely NEED to drink, but i can't lie to him ever again everytime i have just ONE drink. i just can't do it. i can't promise him that i'll quit forever.

now it seems like i have to be the one making the decision if i want to work this out.. and that's just so painful. i really, don't know. it's been beautiful, but really, i don't know if i'm ready to move over for him, til he gets out of the marines and moves back to singapore with me. maybe i'm selfish (but i really don't want to leave my parents behind), maybe i really don't love him as much to want to make this work.

but it hurts me to know that he's hurting over there, so am i here. i know i still love him, but i really don't see a future, and with this whole drinking issue, trust issues, him being over-possesive and over-jealous, i really think we need a lot of time to perhaps learn how to love someone. maybe he needs to learn to love someone for who she is, and not showing care&concern/love by turning that person into what he wants her to be.  maybe i need to learn to reciprocate someone's love for me, and not take him for granted all the time.

i don't want to think, but i know he's waiting for me to 'make a decision'. one that could be so painful, or one that could make a fairytale now and nothing that will last.

at this moment, i've only been listening to this song..

Adele's "Chasing Pavements"

Should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere