Someone Needs a Girlfriend

5 reasons:

1. "I swear too f@#$ing much..."

I actually thought that to myself once, said it in my mind's voice. I was walking down the street and realized I was indulging in highly profane intra-personal communication, thinking about all the sh*t I had to do and the f@#$ing errands and that stupid motherf@#$er who needs that thing, and...

That's when I thought to myself "I swear too f@#$ing much..." I stopped in my tracks, because it was so funny and so true.

I spend a lot of time alone, for a number of reasons, both professional and personal. Well, the language thing probably doesn't help, though I can order food, find the bus, and tell someone I f@#$ed their mother.

I don't swear to f@#$ing much in Cantonese. Yet.

Ever heard the term social butterfly? I've been called a social hyena. I don't even know what that means.

When I asked my mother why she would say such a thing, she just said "It's true. If there was a job descrīption for 'professional @sshole,' you'd be a millionaire."

I told her that such an attitude is not going to help her get parole. She told me to go do something physically impossible to myself.

But never mind that.

See, if I had a girlfriend, I'd have someone to talk to. Ideally on a daily or near-daily basis. And I wouldn't talk that way to her. What's the point? It's not cute when they do it (except occasionally), and I am sure it ain't cute when I do it!

It would be nice to have someone to make the effort for. Sure, I could do it for me, but f@#$ me.

Please.

2. The Family Portrait

Stop me before I buy or build another one. There are at least 4 others that aren't in this picture. My apartment is full, for God's sake. No girlfriend would stand for this. And she shouldn't. I buy myself all this sh*t because I have no one else to buy anything for. You know how many Christmas presents I bought this year for non-family members? None.

3. I had girlfriends before. I also had a wife. Logically, I need another girlfriend.

But no, I never had a girlfriend WHILE I had a wife. That's just wrong.

I wouldn't mind having another wife. I'm sure I'd like her more than the first one. And I've already promised myself; my next wife will be my last one. But obviously, you have to start with a girlfriend. Or $50,000, and I ain't got it like that.

What do you mean, sell some guitars? Go sell your f#$%... wait.

Besides, my mother has four grandsons. She wants a granddaughter. I'm 42. My mother is... (not allowed to say, but... old).

She keeps telling me the clock is ticking. I tell her that's her pacemaker.

I'm not saying I want to have children. I just don't want to be haunted by my mother's ghost, howling about babies. Which is not to say I want a girlfriend so I can appease my mother. I figure if I at least have a girlfriend, I can put the old lady off for a good five years, and who knows how long...

I won't even finish that thought.

No wonder I'm single.

4. People think I'm smart, funny, and would have children as cute as me (they said it, not me, and I realize it is a highly relative statement).

So the longer I go without a girlfriend the sooner these people will figure out there is something seriously wrong with me.

Oh, and naturally none of the people who talk about me having children use any kinds of prepositions or pronouns such as 'with them.'

Not that I blame them.

5. This is the BIG reason.

I'll do almost anything (except get a BOYfriend) to stop people from trying to fix me up with their friend/coworker/niece.

They always tell me how similar we are. Yeah, we're both quite obviously incapable or unworthy of being in a relationship. Oooh, gimme her #!

I don't care if things are different in China. I DO NOT WANT TO DATE SOMEONE HALF MY AGE. Or do anything else! It's creepy to me. Just horrid. It's bad enough I am freakishly tall in this town. Why make it worse?

I mean, I wouldn't even blame some cranky expat woman from approaching me and my date in line at the movies and saying "Oh, how nice, you brought your adopted daughter to the movies..." and sneering that sneer.

I'm not the one who brought a bottle of gin in my purse, though, am I?
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If I could get paid for writing this bitterness, the Weinsteins could make a movie about me called The Curse of the Golden Spleen.