Will you take a moment of silent with me?

Less than 24 hours ago, my Yai Yai passed away. When she broke her leg, I knew then that she'd only live for months longer but then things turn better so, I didn't think much of it anymore. Slowly, she is developing what I suspect to be a degrading immune system. She became less active. First, she developed eye problem, her right eye was always wet, producing reddish yellow fluid which looked like dried blood stain. So, I cleaned her eyes twice a day and used a little bit of antiseptic on it. I knew she hated it but I gotta do it.... gently. Later, right part of her tummy seemed to be shedding fur, so, I used a little oinment on it to ease it and the fur grew back. I also found wounds on the back of her arm, under her belly, and on her tail. I could not understand because she lived with Guai Guai and they never fought. I didn't find any bruises or anything on Guai Guai neither.  Then the end of her arms started to peel and went reddish, the her back started to shed fur again. So, I went to get some advice from the pet shop. They adviced me to use some ointment and an antiseptic bathing sand. After the 3rd application, Yai Yai looked like her skin has just recovered from a bad burn and lost more than 50% of her fur. My heart ache when I saw her like that. By this moment, I have separated Yai Yai from Guai Guai. They live in different cages, with private baths and toilets.

Last night, I did not know why I was still awake despite it was almost 4 in the morning (lately, I went to bed around 12am or 1pm), maybe cause I have been away for 2 days and coz I was tired the day I came back that I went to sleep early, I wanted to look at them a little longer last night. When I saw Yai Yai, I decided not to use the ointment anymore, it looked like it was way too strong her skin. I thought of giving her a wet bath then let her have her sand bath from then on. I had a little water on a baskin, Yai Yai seemed happy.... for the first time, she looked like she was learning to dive (the water WAS really shallow), she sat down and she washed her face and head and dive again and sit down again. I then picked her up to wash her.... when she suddenly vomit white foamy thing and blood came out of her nose. IF GOD knows my biggest phobia, it would be a phobia towards dead bodies, including insects, just dying seafood, dead mammals. I once had a lobster sashimi in AUS and for some reason the lobster's antenna moved, I swore to God, I jumped and insisted wanting to go home. I had really horrible experience that concluded this phobia. When I saw her "so" motionless lying on my hand, I had the strongest urge on earth to just toss her away. I swore to God, I was freaked out. Yet, for some reason, in less than a second a grabbed a handful of tissue, wrapped her and started giving her CPR. No, I don't think I have overcome my phobia, HELL NO! But.... I guess that is love. I could not care more than trying to pump her small her heart and blow her small mouth and shake her! I knew she'd die, just never expected this fast. I have never seen her so quiet and and peaceful. She was the most naughty one but now she just lied there..... peacefully. Actually Yai Yai is very very cute because she is fat and naughty. Tears did not roll down my face. I just sat there... blank. Nothing was on my mind, a space of blank whiteness. Was I too sad to cry? or Did it happen too sudden? or maybe both?

I can't help but despise it when some people come to me and tell me "silly girl! They are just beast. If I were you, I would not feel a thing, I cannot feel connection with those things!". I can understand that not everybody can relate to this, but please, dun judge, even if you do, keep it to youself. Cause you are not making me feeling any better and certainly not impressing me with your words. I had a long and sad childhood that I do not want to bore anybody with. I can tell you my only friends were my pets, though I was used to seeing them die every few days. I can't tell you how many chicks, rabbits, crab .... (what do you call it again?), fishes, frogs, dogs that died under my care. Yet, when I turned 15 or 16, moved house, my pets stayed alive, unless killed. I meant literally killed by my servants. Like my 2 poor baby turtles that she squashed alive with her fingers. Another 2 turtles died for some reasons I did not know, I have had them for more than 7 or 8 years. I was sad but I was not there, so I kinda recover from grievance pretty quickly. They were and are (some still alive) with my parents. So, she is my first dead pet. I really took care of her. To some extent I blame myself for her death. I wondered.... why did she choose to die on my palm? I looked at her tummy closely, no movement. I held her... I wanted to cry but no tears came out. Like I said in my previous blogs. She has got most of my attention the past month out of the 3 hamsters.

On another hand....... I am just praying quietly, thankfully, gratefuly, that the one that stopped breathing was not Xu Xu.... if not..... I would not know what I would do. I believe I'd be a million times more depressed. Now, I am worried about Guai Guai... she's used to Yai Yai's company.....

昨晚不知为设么很晚我都还没睡。可能应为这几天都不在香港，想多看看鼠鼠它们几眼吧。断腿小鼠昨晚在我的手掌上断气了。本来还好好的，突然间吐白沫，流鼻血。其实它断腿的时候我已经知道它剩下几个月的生命的。所以，我很努力的疼惜它，爱护它。慢慢看着它的好转本来想自己是否想太多？可是它慢慢也真的现出问题，例如眼睛发炎，肚皮脱毛，手臂脱毛，背脱毛。擦了药膏还跟惨。我的童年陪伴着我的只有些宠物，所以我对自己的宠物有感情。可是因为之后出国读书，都不回经理到宠物的死。听到的时候暑虽然会难过，但因为没有亲眼见到，轻易的也会被带过去的。小时被工人吓坏的原因，我有非常非常非常严重的尸体恐惧症。可是原来爱的力量很大。我却二不过三的邦它做人工呼吸。别搞错，假若你问我，我是否克服了这个恐惧症。。。。我真的不敢说。我只知道那时候我真的不想失去它。其实我怕尸体怕到差点扔了它（当我看到它无动静的帕在我的手掌上）。。。但我却在零点一秒当中拿了纸巾抱着它，帮他做人工呼吸。我从没有见过那么安静的它，平时它是最调皮的那一个，连鼠鼠都敢打，敢咬。我眼泪已流不出来。是太难过？或是件事发生的太突然呢？可能两样都有吧。我的脑海里一片空白。一方面很难过的我，在很低落的心灵里，我不断的感激神死的不是鼠鼠，要不然我想我会受一千万倍根大的打击。。。

我很难接受当有些人对我说它们只不过是簇生！我是不会怪任何人不能明白我的感受的人，但是拜托请您不要"judge"或者判断我的感受，这个感觉是很真实的，跟任何人被刀刺一刀一样的真实。所以。。。如您觉得我傻，愚蠢为了这么小的动物而伤心都好，请您放在心里就好。我不是想博同情。。。。我只想写写日记。。。。

对不起，写了些有可能令大家都不开心的日记了。。。

现在担心的是乖怪，没有了同伴。。。。一定不习惯。