Boredom is not Prejudice

As an American living in (an SAR of) China during the Olympics, I spend a lot of time with my mouth shut.

Not that it really matters, since I spend 90% of my day alone. But that's not my point.

I'm glad for China that they are hosting the Olympics. 

But I really don't care about the Olympics.

I can't remember the last time I intentionally watched the Olympics.

Well, maybe the 1980 winter games. Other than that, nada.

At least in terms of the sporting events. I remember watching the Palestinians in Munich in 1972. I remember watching the live coverage of the bomb in Atlanta in 1996.

As far as sports go, I could really care less.

However, I tend to keep that to myself. People interpret my indifference to the Olympics as indifference to (or disrespect of) China. That's not it at all. You bring the World Bikini Waxing Competition to China and I'm all over it like a cheap suit. I'm planning to go to the World Series of Mahjong next month in Macau. China add oil!!!

I just don't care about the Olympics, not the Beijing Olympics.

I'm already sick of being asked if I watched the opening ceremony. No, I didn't.

Because I didn't need the moral burden of sawing off the back of a rodent.

That's the only way I was going to give a rat's @ss about the Olympics. I don't care where they're held, or what kind of spectacle it is.

No, wait.

I hope they are held away from me. I don't need the aggravation of my commute to work getting overrun by the Olympics in general and by the equestrian events in particular. It's such a snob sport to begin with, and my lockjaw immunization expired after I left Newport.

You want my spectatorship and interest? How about Olympic rodeo? Now THAT I would watch.The IOC could adapt it so that we get to watch people roping yaks and riding 'bucking camels' and all kinds of weird, interesting sh*t.

[DIGRESSION: People love to make fun of rodeo, but if you've ever been to one, it changes your mind quick. It takes a certain, special kind of lunatic to strap himself to an extremely unhappy animal the size of a f@#$ing car and let that beast loose with nothing to protect you but a pair of leather gloves. The bull is angry because his b@lls got  cut off. Rodeo competitors walk funny because theirs are f@#$ing huge. If you don't believe me, strap your own @ss to a ton of infuriated steak and see how you fare.]

Multicultural rodeo would be a lot more fun than watching Biff trot about dressed like a f@#$ing lawn jockey...

But as I said, I generally keep my disinterest in the Olympics to myself since I don't want to make it seem as though I don't love China.

I don't, but there's no sense broadcasting it, especially now.

That doesn't mean I dislike it. I like Hong Kong, and what little I know and have seen of China seems okay. I just don't have the same national/emotional/cultural affinity for China that Chinese people have.

I'm not supposed to.

Especially not during the Olympics. Once every four years, everyone on the planet can indulge in a little teeth-gnashing jingoism guilt-free.

One thing I've learned living abroad; I'm an American, whether I like it or not. Because people will put it on me even if I don't. So I've accepted it, and to be honest, there's no logical reason for me to be anything but loyal to my country.

Because an American denigrating America only encourages people to criticize it (and by extension me) more. So it makes no sense. Don't feed the animals, so to speak.

You'll never catch me publicly admitting to criticism of the US. Why should I? So that someone who reeks of condescension (and Gauloise) can feel superior?

I'll also never say America is the greatest country in the world. It's empirically unverifiable and needlessly confrontational. That's pointless.

Though not as pointless as conceding things to people who tell you Americans are arrogant, ignorant, know-it-alls who look down on non-Americans.

Which makes them sound rather American by their own definition, huh?

Every time a European says Americans are stupid, it only makes me feel a lot less guilty about saying Europeans are irrelevant.

Not because they are (they're not), but because logic dictates that in order for their argument to be true, so must mine be; you can't make a totalizing claim about others while expecting it not to happen to you. Fair is fair.

So when the French say Americans are violent by nature, I say it's because someone had to fight for France. See the logic? We're both being @-holes, but I didn't start it. And neither should I tolerate it. You think they would?

In many ways I am proud to be an American simply because I have no other choice, just like everyone else in the world who must be (and should be) proud of their own country.

In that vein, I can honestly say that I hope the USA basketball team beats their opponents like errant stepchildren. I hope they run the score up on people and humiliate them.

Gen. George Patton (who did more to ensure the limitation of German linguistics in Europe than any other human being) once said that Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser.

We really dislike losing, especially when we know we could have (and should have) won. Everyone loves to talk smack about 2004 and a bronze medal. Did you know that the 2004 team practiced for three weeks before the games? Three weeks for third place ain't so bad, is it?

This team has practiced for three years. It is motivated by embarrassment, and it will not repeat the same situation. So I'm not going to feel guilty when they tear up their opponents. And they will. Because they know that if they don't, America will disown them. We invented the damn sport; we're supposed to be the best at it.

China didn't invent table tennis, but can you imagine them not being dominant at it? It would seem weird, wouldn't it?

Ice hockey is supposed to be the domain of Canada and Scandinavia.

That's the Olympic spirit. Let's not fool ourselves about the spirit of sport. The Olympics is war with a whistle. It's for global bragging rights. It's about indulging your jingoism every four years and bringing people together so that they can look at one another and say "I'll whip your monkey @ss!!!"

It's not just about how you play the game. It's whether you win or lose.

Even in synchronized swimming.

Which is, for me, the ultimate Olympic Mystery: where did it come from, how did it last so long, and what's the f@#$ing point???

I think they should put a shark in the pool with them.

That I'd watch.


Disclaimer: I sincerely am very happy for China, and I appreciate China, and I think Chinese people everywhere deserve to be proud. I just find the Olympics tedious no matter where they are held, I promise.